The Impatient Patient

I HAVE MOVED!!!

2006-05-22T16:32:00.000+10:00

Hello loyal blog-readers!!

After much farting around I have moved my blog, you will now find me at:

Impatient Patient

Please visit me there, look forward to seeing you soon!

Buggery Blog

2006-05-20T19:13:00.000+10:00

Help! My blog is driving me frigging insane...... I'm not the most technically au fait person on the planet, but I can work my way around a puter most of the time; but this is just getting too hard! I've been manically reading blogs lately, just can't get enough, and I've decided I want some of those groovy funky things that everyone else has! OK, so if anyone out there actually reads my blog can you help me to:

a) Get a site counter thingy so that I can see if anyone actually visits my blog?

b) Tell me how to format my posts so that the spaces between the paragraphs actually appear? (For some inexplicable reason I type out my posts resplendant with fabulous spaces between paragraphs then when I publish it takes my spaces out AND I HATE NO SPACES!!)

c) Show me how to get the funky dude weather thingy?

d) Ditto funky mood thingo?

OK, so now some stuff about me. I've had a crap week in general, culminating in a huge fight with my boy this morning that ended with me crying and snorting and generally losing it. Not pretty I can assure you.

I had a follow up appointment with my ob on Monday, my uterus is 'bulky' which she is not surprised about considering I've had 2 twin pregnancies- but she's not concerned that it will hinder me getting pregnant again. I also have a cyst on my myometrium, again something that doesn't concern her and won't interfere with getting pregnant again. Anyone know anything about these things? What causes them? Lining only 2mm and tiny follicle, so expect period anytime over the next couple of months but not in a hurry. In saying that my right (and only!) ovary is giving me some shit, I did a ovulation pee test but it was negative. Probably it's just waking up and wants to piss me off a bit.

Ho hum. What else can I tell you? Nothing really. Went to a biker bar for some drinks last night with friends and thoroughly enjoyed myself, it really made me realise that we now live a completely insulated and reclusive life. Back in WA we were so very social, not so anymore. I want to be social again. I want to have a life.

That's about it, will start working through some of the posts I am composing in my head soon.....

Edgy

2006-05-18T21:40:00.000+10:00

All day I haven't been able to stop thinking of my friend. I feel so edgy, like I want to punch something or smash something. Like a cat on a hot tin roof. I just don't know what to do with myself. I farted around with my blog a bit as you can see, but it's not helping.

It's not fair. It hurts so much.

Not fair

2006-05-18T12:09:00.000+10:00

My heart breaks yet again.

It's amazing how we form these tight friendships through our struggles with IF, so when one of our 'sisters' wins the fight and gets pregnant we celebrate as if it was our own. I have belonged to a TTC internet group for a few years now, and over those years I've formed some enduring friendships with some incredible women; friends that I will have for life.

One of my friends has lost her precious boy. She and I were due in the same week, when we lost Piper and Laine she offered us all her love and support; she even rang me when I was in hospital (before I lost them) to give me a pep talk and friendship. Over the last 18 months as we lost our 4 babies she has been one of the few not scared to ask me about them or how I'm feeling or just to let me ramble. She is a remarkable lady.

I feel so helpless. I want to do something. I want to hold her and cry with her and bring her baby back. I feel her pain and wish I could just take it away from her so she doesn't have to endure it.

It's just not fair.

The Essence of Motherhood

2006-05-14T16:26:00.000+10:00

Ok, so today is Mothers' Day. Pretty much a shitful day for the millions of people in the world who struggle with infertility, or have lost a child at any stage. So what is the essence of motherhood? Do you have to have a living child complete with chrysanthemums and all to make us a mum? I'm not so sure. I have 4 beautiful children that aren't with us, but I don't feel less of a mother if that makes any sense. (probably not) My wonderful boy gave me a prezzie this morning from my furbaby Lucy and our 4 babies, that made me feel so very special. I am a mum. I am a mum that is hurting so very very much. I am a mum that longs to feel the softness of my babies' skin, the sweetness of their breath, the love that so many feel every single day. Wow it hurts just to think about it.

To all of you out there that have lost babies, or struggle with infertility, I wish you a most precious Mothers Day, for the essence of motherhood is in our hearts and always will be.

Back home

2006-05-12T18:09:00.000+10:00

Well I'm back home after a cathartic and relaxing 10 days in Sydney. It was so nice just to be in such a comfortable environment with great friends and grasp the idea of the process of 'healing'. I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I've decided that you don't heal as such, but you adapt yourself to live with the grief; that it becomes a part of you. That's how I see it anyway. My children and my grief are now essential parts of my being, I am forever changed by my love and losses and I will just have to learn to live my life in this 'altered' state, if that makes sense. At times when I was away the grief hit me like a physical punch, an unexpected assault on my heart. Those are the worst times. When it hurts physically. Little reminders that insinuate themselves in day to day life, and you just can't ignore them. My wonderful friend now has an 8 month old girl whom I absolutely adore, and seeing the interraction between parents and child makes me realise just how much I NEED this to be a part of my life. For a while there I had actually thought about not trying anymore, about thinking how much I would break if I lost another child. But now I can't think about not trying again. DH and I should be parents, we have so much love to give to our child.

Swanning

2006-05-02T11:44:00.000+10:00

Well I'm about to board a plane soon to go and swan off around Sydney with my good friend- I'm looking forward to it now but I've been in 2 minds, I will miss Craig and Lucy something awful but I'm hoping I'll come back feeling more like the old 'me' - whatever that is!

I will miss my bloggy friends as well, so see you all in 9 days! :-)

Dreams

2006-04-30T15:08:00.000+10:00

Lately I've been having some seriously weird dreams & nightmares. Really obscure shit that I have no idea where it comes from. When I was pregnant with the girls I only dreamt about them once, and I dreamt they were girls, and the same with Piper and Laine. It's like on some level I knew what I was having. Last night I dreamt I was pregnant again, and my cervix was opening bit by bit and we couldn't save the baby. I was lying in my bed trying to keep the baby safe, but I knew it was going to die and there was nothing else I could do. That feeling of utter helplessness is nothing I ever want to experience again, I don't know if I can go through pregnancy even once more and live with that daily fear...... If someone could tell me that at the end of the day my baby would be born healthy and safe then I'd do it. I know we'll try again, but mentally I just don't know how I'll cope.

When I was cleaning today I found the diary I was keeping for Piper and Laine. I just glanced through it briefly, but I have to wonder if in my heart I knew that they wouldn't make it. It's full of fears for them and their safety. Maybe on some level my higher self was preparing me for another loss. I wish I'd enjoyed my pregnancy so much more, there are so many ifs and buts going through my head. You know the old saying 'what you fear you create'? Did I do that? Did I cause myself to lose them? Just more ideas for me to explore I suppose.

Heading to Sydney on Tuesday, both with excitement and trepidation. I'm looking forward to just hiding away for a bit, but I know I will miss my boy and my furbaby, Lucy; the little cat that is our substitute child. She knows when I'm sad and will give me a cuddle, or do something stupid to make me smile again.

On another note, I'm feeling like crap and still bleeding, it's been 7 weeks and 2 days since we lost our babies and my body is still reminding me every single second of what it yet again failed to do.....

My Boy

2006-04-27T11:50:00.000+10:00

Ok, as promised here is my post about my boy. I have the best dh in the world, I honestly do, but sometimes he frustrates the complete fuck out of me.

I have been blogging now for a few months, and I'd never told dh that I was doing it. So one day last week I just felt that I should, so I told him about it and actually invited him to read it. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but somehow I think I expected more than I got. I thought maybe he'd get an insight as to how I'm feeling and all that, because although we are really close we don't 'talk' alot about 'stuff' ie; Piper and Laine, Grover and Houdini, feelings and all that stuff. Not that we don't want to know how each other is feeling, it's just that often we don't feel the need to talk about it all the time. I have never been so comfortable just being silent with anyone in my life as I do with my boy, we can just sit there and not speak and feel totally comfortable. He is home to me, if that makes sense. But my heart is breaking in tiny little pieces each and every day, and I'm not sure how to communicate it to him. He is the ultimate 'fixer', my boy can fix everything and anything. He has renovated our whole house on his own, he can build cars, he is the MacGyver of the world..... but I can't imagine how hard it would be for him not to be able to fix me, or our babies. What does make me get up out of bed every day, get showered and live life, is his unwavering belief that one day we will have our own child living in this world with us. To him there are no if's or but's, it just will be. And for that I am eternally grateful. If it weren't for his strong, silent presence in my life I don't think I'd be here. We are polar opposites in every way; he is quiet, shy, introverted and yet the strongest person I have ever met; I am out there, outgoing, comfortable with people and portray a strong confident woman, yet I'm not half as strong as he is.

After seeing him hold our beautiful babies that resembled him so very much, I know that one day I need to give him his own child. He is a father, and should be a father. In a way I feel like I have let him down in losing our babies, although I know he thinks that is a crock of shit. But sometimes it's how I feel. I thank the universe each and every day for giving me someone like him, for deeming me worthy of such a beautiful person although it obviously doesn't think I'm worthy of having my own children. So many couples lose sight of each other and end up breaking up after the loss of a child, let alone 4, yet our children have given us the greatest gift they possibly could, the gift of each other, love for each other and appreciation of each other. They have truly made us closer. At night just feeling the warmth of him next to me gives me more comfort than I could ever imagine.

Well there you go, I didn't realise that this post would be such a gushing one about my dh. I haven't even told you why he pisses me off! Maybe I'll just take the warm and fuzzies for today and leave that post for another day..... (and no I didn't write this post thinking he'd read it, because he probably won't!!)

Hermit Crab

2006-04-25T20:08:00.000+10:00

I have just realised that I have become a fully fledged hermit crab. Yesterday I went for a big long walk then never left the house, today I only left the house at about 5 because I couldn't procrastinate any longer about going to get some groceries. Hmmm... I wonder how long this will last for? I suppose I HAVE to go out next week seeing as I'm off to Sydney, but I think if it wasn't already booked I probably wouldn't be going. Seeing all the happy families and babies is hurting me a bit, it never used to bother me that much but right now it stings.
I have loads of ideas for future posts rattling around in my head, so to remind myself I want to post about:
My history (ivf and why ivf)
Houdini & Grover (pregnancy and birth story)
Piper & Laine (birth story)
Fears - (Future, pregnancy, incompetent cervix)
DH (why he is the best man on the planet and why he frustrates me!)
What now? Plans for ivf

How's that for a start? I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog apart from my faithful couple- but I think in a way it's cathartic for me to have it as an outlet. I sometimes find myself composing posts in my head without actually being conscious of it.

As an aside, tonight I put my big moose slippers on that my best friend in the whole wide world, Angi, gave me a couple of years ago. (She now lives in Canada) I got such a pang of missing her when I put them on, how I wish I had the $$ to go and spend just a short time with her. I miss her so much, she understand me like no one else on this planet.

Special Thoughts

2006-04-24T08:59:00.000+10:00

Today I woke up thinking of my lovely friend *C* and her hubby. One year ago today their tiny miracle *L* passed away at only 2 days of age. Saturday she should have been baking him a cake for his birthday, but instead they were mourning him. It's just not fair.

There are so many milestones to grief, and one never knows which way it'll go. At the moment I'm counting every Friday (Friday being when I lost Piper and Laine), I did that on Tuesdays (which is when I lost the girls) for months and months, but I realise that I can't do it for both forever. Then there are the milestones, anniversaries of birth/loss, due dates, Christmas, Easter, etc, you get the picture.

It's just not fair.

Fit not Fat

2006-04-23T10:50:00.000+10:00

I think that part of my self loathing/self esteem issues over the last few years has had a lot to do with my body. I've always been a 'big' person, being very tall and 'big boned', but since starting the journey of ivf I have steadily put on more and more weight. This weight has almost become my 'excuse', a lame attempt at justifying why I'm the way I am. Especially now I think that I have lost 4 babies, I feel more and more like my body as a mother has let them down, that I couldn't nurture them the way I should have and given myself even more of an excuse to hate myself. I look at my body in the mirror, the changed shape of my breasts, the saggy belly resplendent with stretch marks, and I can punish myself over and over with the images of a body ravaged by pregnancy but not able to nurture its' babies.

No more.

I really want to like myself. I want to like Meri-ann. I want to see her as a mother who has had 4 babies and loved them as best she could for them, for whatever reason; but that they only knew her love. I don't want any more excuses.

So this is my commitment to myself.

No dieting or crap like that, I'm just going to learn to like and respect myself. I want to see my body as my friend and treat it with respect, no more using it as an excuse. I want to lose some weight and gain some fitness, and hopefully in the process gain some self respect. I'm going to make an appointment to see my naturopath this week and get her to help me get on track, and keep on walking with my ipod on and losing myself in my daydreams. I'm going to think about what I eat and what I choose to put in my body, I actually don't eat that badly but I don't eat regularly and I don't always eat very well. I want to feel sexually attractive to my husband, feel more like a woman again. I'm going to stop obsessing with the fact that I'm 35 and feeling ancient, old and past my use by date, and concentrate on becoming a Mum again.

I'm going to read this post often to remind myself of what my goals are.

All over

2006-04-22T18:44:00.000+10:00

Well that's it, hopefully the nightmare of the last 6 weeks is finally over. I went into hospital yesterday for a d&c, evidently there was a fair bit of 'product' in there that she has got out, now all should go back to normal. But as we all know the universe hates my guts so expect something else to fuck up shortly..... All I pray now is that all my 'bits' are in working order and ok for ivf, I know now more than ever that I need for us to have our own child, and I'll do my best to make it happen. I need to have that belief that one day we will be parents.

I went for a healing today with a beautiful lady who is an Angel Intuitive, I do go in for a lot of the spiritual side of life despite my husbands' complete lack of belief. I need to know that there is a reason for everything, and that my babies are all together and know of my love for them. Well I walked out of her house with that beautiful glow inside me, the glow of the knowledge that my children are safe and together, and that one day a beautiful spirit will head our way to be our child. I need to hold onto this feeling in my darkest hours when I am full of doubt and fear.

My plan now is to have no plan. I really want to nurture myself and just be me for a while, do what I do (or don't) want to do and help my heart to heal. I am looking forward to going to Sydney in a couple of weeks and just hanging out with my friends and hiding from the world for a little bit longer. I'm not fussed about going back to work, if they ring me for some shifts then I'll do them, but if they don't then that's ok as well. I just want to find Meri-ann again and discover who she is, and embrace her despite all the changes and who she has become.

Universe Hates Me...

2006-04-18T19:53:00.000+10:00

Yup, if something is going to stuff up it will stuff up *royally* for me..... Off I went to my doc today and lo and behold there is 'residual material' floating somewhere around my ute (read: placenta or something like that) and I'm off to hospital on Friday for a d&c. I kind of knew that something was amiss as I've been feeling so damn crap and the bleeding I've been having for nearly 6 weeks now isn't normal, so to know I wasn't imagining things is kind of reassuring. Yet I'm so damn pissed off, when will this nightmare end? Isn't it enough that we've been to hell and back, now I've got to go through this as well. I know a d&c is a minor procedure but I just don't want to do it, I want to pretend that everything is normal and life goes on yada yada yada. On the upside, there is a 23mm follicle perched on my ovary all ready to pop, so to ovulate less than 6 weeks after childbirth is indicative that everything in there is ok. My cervix also looked ok, about 4cm long and closed, no sign of major trauma after it ripping through the stitch, but she'll have a better idea when she has a look on Friday.

So I think I'll hibernate for the next couple of days........

Ouch

2006-04-18T09:19:00.000+10:00

I did it. I cried. Not for long mind you, but it just kind of snuck up on me from the most unexpected conversation, and it hurt. My God it hurt.

We spent the long Easter weekend at my in laws place, which is a long way from where we live, and did all the usual family Easter things. Ate lots, drank lots, ate more and kind of just hung around. My bil's kids were there, cute kids and we get on so well, but they are constant reminders of what we have lost. His little girl did my hair, I kept thinking that should be MY KID, they had a fight about toys, I thought that should be MY KIDS, and I realised that my children would never know their cousins. Ouch. It just felt wrong, Craig and I should have our own kids in that kind of family setting and tell them off and play cars or hairdressers or whatever with them, and I realised with such a jolt that it was an incomplete picture. We are so happy and we love each other so much but we aren't complete. There is such a gaping hole....

Fast forward to the drive home, (very looooong drive) and Craig and I were just talking crap and driving along. He was fantasising about what he would do if he won Lotto, which is buy lots of old cars and crap and become a hermit and fix things! He would be in his element with lots of old junk around the place. Then he asked me what I would do if I won Lotto. That's easy. I would buy a nice house on a piece of land not too far from town but in a rural setting, have a verandah the whole way around the house, have a couple of dogs and cats- and a fantastic cubby for my kids. Oh that's right. Kids died. And then I cried. At first it just slipped out of the edges of my eyes, shocking me at its' very existence. Then my chest heaved and I hiccupped. And I cried harder. Oh how it hurt. It was like I had been king hit in the chest with a piece of 4x2. Craig just kept his hand on my leg (and drove) and I cried and cried, the tears all fell off me and wet my jumper. I miss them. I miss the dreams and hopes I had for them. Ouch.

Off to see my ob today and work out what is going on with my body. I feel like hell. Everything hurts. Still bleeding. Over it now....

Strong

2006-04-10T09:15:00.000+10:00

I don't want to be strong any more. So many people tell me that I am the strongest and bravest person they know, blah blah blah, but the fact is all 4 of my children are dead and I'm still here and sometimes I just don't want to be. I want to hide. I want to cut off all contact with the world. I'm sick of being the strong, brave one. I just want to be a Mum. That's it.

Craig and I went away for the weekend and it was just lovely. Lots of walking, driving and looking around, red wine and companionable silences. I love them. We didn't even talk about Piper and Laine, I still just can't do it. Too hard. Sometimes it's easier to plaster a fake face on than deal with reality. Fake face is getting me through for a while. I'm scared of the next steps and the firsts, first time a friend tells me she's pregnant, due date of my babies, seeing people I haven't seen yet that maybe don't even know we lost them- all those things terrify me.

We had an appointment with WonderDoc on Friday, all I can say is we are so damn lucky to have him. I asked him straight: 'Do you think we are mad to keep on trying?' - His reply: 'I think you are mad if you don't.' I could have kissed him (I didn't)- but just having that innate confidence from him helps me deal with all this shite. He's determined to only transfer 1 embryo as the twin risk for me is obviously wayyyy too high, I still wanted to transfer 2 but we'll do it his way for the first couple. I have no qualms that this journey is going to take a looooong time, and I don't expect to get pregnant on the first transfer we have. But I have to do it. So the plan is to stick with the formula that worked for us, that is an antagonist cycle; and all being well we'll get started at the end of June/beginning of July. So much of it relies on my cycle and I'm still bleeding now 31 days after giving birth, but in saying that I'm starting to get some ovarian pain so maybe it's starting to wake up.

Still lost

2006-04-03T08:32:00.000+10:00

Well I still feel lost, I haven't posted anything for a while because I feel like I have nothing new to say. It's Monday morning now and a whole week stretches out in front of me, just staring me down daring me to get to the end of it. This weekend was strange, I just floated around and didn't know what to do with myself. On Saturday I was hanging out my washing when this huge wave of resentment swelled up into my chest; This wasn't MEANT to be my fucking life; it was MEANT to be different; I was MEANT to be different; everything SHOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. As quick as it swelled up it went away again- I think I'm just too exhausted to allow myself to feel anything. I think I want someone to tell me what to do and how I should be feeling. I do have things I need to do but to be honest I have no urge to do them, lots of work for Cherish needs to be done and I WANT to do it, it's just that everytime I think about doing it it reminds me of why Cherish exists- and that hurts. There is a meeting on tomorrow night and I'm still in 2 minds about whether I'll go or not, somehow I don't think I will, I just don't feel ready yet.

I also have to make some decisions about work- I kind of do want to go back but I also kind of don't. I'm hoping I can just do 3 or so shifts a week for a while until I decide what I want to do. What I really want to do is be pregnant and on maternity leave and being happy and fat, but oh of course as usual that has been fucked up for me- whoops Meri-ann has had a glimpse of happiness so quick we'd better rip it away from her and of course let's make it hurt REALLLLLY bad while we're at it. Ah there that's better.......

OK resentful moment over for the time being- we go to see WonderDoc on Friday so already have a list of things I want to ask him, I can't believe we're staring down the barrel of more fucking IVF. Just the thought of it makes my stomach churn. I just want to get it over with and get pregnant and live through that hell and have a baby and start living again. The hardest part of that is knowing that never again can we have Piper or Laine or Grover or Houdini, this time we'll be trying for our 5th child, wow that hurts just to type it. I had 4 perfect children and don't even get the joy of being a Mum to one of them....

Lost

2006-03-26T12:47:00.000+11:00

Well as the title implies I feel a little bit lost. Kind of lost in myself, kind of lost in general. Life swirls on around me, people going to work, eating, drinking, driving, talking to people, just living; and I feel a bit like a ghost amongst them. I mean I plaster a smile on my face and nod and say yes I'm fine, I'm really ok, but it's this facade that I am totally unable to change. If it works for me I suppose that's ok.

My Mum is still staying here with me until Thursday morning, it's lovely to be nurtured and loved and looked after, but if she pokes one more bit of food at me I will have to throw it at her. I'm just not hungry and that's the way it is. Craig and I are going to go away for the weekend in a couple of weeks, yay for that. I want to walk and read and drink wine and just be for a couple of days, I don't expect us to go away and talk about Piper and Laine and Grover and Houdini the whole time- I just want to spend time with him. I've booked a week in Sydney with one of my best friends Pia for the beginning of May, it'll be nice to run away and hide for a bit. I think my whole family wants me to go back to Perth but I'm so not ready to be embraced in the bosom of my large, touchy feely family. I'm not wanting to be touched and don't think I'll want to be for a while. I feel like such a failure, how can I go home to my family and friends without my babies OR being pregnant?

Which brings me to a huge issue I have at the moment; my post-babies body. I have this unlovely pouch of skin on my tummy that hangs down, complete with about half a dozen stretch marks. I hate it. I hate the constant reminder of my babies and that they aren't safe inside me. I would run up and down the street with my flabby belly, droopy boobs and stretch marks hanging out for the world to see if Piper and Laine were safe and well and here with me. I just don't know what to do about it. I'm not one for strenuous activity or anything remotely sweaty, but I'm thinking it's looking like it's the only way it's going to go.

And another lovely job for this week; having to take Piper and Laine's birth details in so that they are registered and issued with birth certificates. It wasn't bad enough I had to spend A WHOLE FUCKING HOUR in Medicare the other day going over and over all their details and our details and fill out a form the size of an Atlas, now I have to go and line up and hand over forms to a smiling berk to register my dead babies' birth. Nice.

Lovely Jen

2006-03-23T08:08:00.000+11:00

I just have to say a quick thank you to my lovely friend Jen (visit her at Womb With a View)- who not only does lovely things to make me smile like send me letters and movies-but has helped me sort my blog out a bit! She has managed to make my comments open to everyone (I didn't even know they weren't!), put up some links to other blogs and generally made it look a lot nicer. Thank you gorjwa.....

As for me, I'm definitely still on auto-pilot and the people around me are scared I'm going to explode. While the numbness gets me through I will go with it, if I think of Piper and Laine I hurt too much and I don't want to hurt. My Mum is still staying with me but has made the decision to go home next Thursday, I think she didn't want to go because she's so scared I'm going to meltdown, but if I do I do, if I don't well then I suppose I don't. Everyone tells me that sooner or later I have to cry and allow myself to feel the pain and the hurt, but I just can't and I don't want to.

My wonderful IVF WonderDoc rang me last night, I am honestly so lucky to have such wonderful health professionals around me. My ob and the staff at her rooms, my gp and my ivf clinic- they all feel more like friends than people I pay to look after me. We will go and see WonderDoc in a few weeks just to regroup and work out a plan of attack, I think that if I have a focus on something else I can shelve my grief a bit longer; and again if that's how I cope then that's how I'll do it. I want to do a stim cycle sooner rather than later, I know that anyone reading this and what we've gone through will think us mad, but I figure that ivf and pregnancy are just so shitty that I just want to get it over and done with, if that makes sense?

Kindness

2006-03-20T17:39:00.000+11:00

I need to thank so many people for their support, love, thoughtfulness and kindness- it's truly at times like these that we take comfort and solace in others. Even my few blog commenters, your thoughts are so appreciated and I feel that I don't walk alone. I wish I had it in me to show my appreciation to my friends and family and people that care, but I feel like a block of wood, I just don't have it in me.

Yesterday we scattered Piper and Laine's ashes at our special beach. It's called Hawley Beach near Devonport, and where Craig proposed to me just over 5 years ago. Last year we scattered our beautiful daughters' ashes there, yesterday Piper and Laine joined their big sisters in the ocean, the beautiful ocean that connects all land and all people. My heart broke even more, it feels so delicate, like I can feel every beat. Hopefully one day I will be whole again, I just wish I knew the why's of all this, and what the future holds for my lovely husband and I. I know I am blessed and should sit back and give thanks for all that I do have, but I can't because I don't have my children still growing inside me where they belong, safe until they were ready to live their lives. I see myself in the reflections of glass and don't recognise myself, the grey sunken eyes and lack of my gorgeous big belly just don't resonate with me anymore. A stranger looks back.

I'm broken

2006-03-15T20:14:00.000+11:00

I think I'm breaking, I can't believe that emotional pain can hurt so physically as well.

It still doesn't feel real. I can't believe Piper and Laine are gone.

Yesterday we had the funeral service for our babies, it was just so beautiful and perfect it makes me cry just to think about it. I'm on auto-pilot, kind of numb until I realise that the throbbing pain is inside of me. How do I fix it?

Broken hearts

2006-03-12T20:20:00.000+11:00

My babies died on Friday night 10th March.

Piper Nicole was born at 7.27pm and lived for about 20 minutes.
Laine Allan was born at 9.47pm and lived for about the same amount of time.

Two more perfect babies have never been born to this world.

Patience is a virtue.

2006-02-27T16:27:00.000+11:00

Have I ever told you just how much I hate waiting????

I must be the most impatient person on the planet, and even after all these years of if and ivf and wait after wait after wait, I still hate waiting so very very much. Sometimes I think that the universe is playing a big trick on me just so that I will learn myself a lesson; that is learn to be patient and gracious and virtuous.

But I'm not.

I fucking HATE waiting..... I feel sometimes that my life is on hold because I'm waiting, and in turn I'm probably not enjoying the NOW of my life. I got sick of waiting for cycle after cycle, waiting to see if we got any eggs, if they fertilised, if they survived, the dreaded 2ww; still I did not learn my lesson.
Now I'm waiting to feel lots of movement from these babies, it's driving me insane. To the point where I rang my midwife today to tell her I'm not feeling enough movement. I must be such a pain in the arse to her. But all is normal, yada yada yada, placentas at the front, yada yada yada, 2 babies not a lot of room; yada yada yada; every baby and pregnancy is different. I suppose that her reassurances did placate me, but often all I feel is the bubbles and flutters and I want to be KICKED! I want some serious action in there!!
Apart from that I seem to be setting myself little milestones. Waiting for 12 weeks, waiting for 16 weeks, waiting for 19 weeks, waiting for them to be born so I can poke and squeeze and touch them and convince myself that they are really real.
I waited and waited to finish work, now that I've finished I'm waiting for my sister to arrive (tomorrow night) no doubt I'll get back on the roller coaster and set myself another milestone to wait for.......

I hate people

2006-02-22T14:53:00.000+11:00

I have come to the realisation today that I just hate people in general. It's amazing just how pissed off I became in Coles trying to deal with the drainers that kept blocking the aisles and going really slowly and just farting around in general. I hate them. And I have to say, the main perpetrators are old people. Don't get me wrong, I like old people (well the ones that don't smell like wee), but why is it that they think they own the world????? I think just grocery shopping in general makes me angry because I hate it so very, very much; but aisle blockers are just the icing on the cake. Also, I'm just not a very nice person.

Off I waddled this morning to my very first pre-natal water aerobics class, am very graceful and sylph-like in water (not). Kind of embarrassing really that most of the people there are due before me and have these gorgeous little bumps and I have a great heaving mass of wobbly jelly protruding in front of me. Oh well. I love my jelly. Juniors have been very quiet the last few days, so of course that makes me anxious. My God I wish there was something that didn't make me anxious, or else a perspex window into my ute so I can see my babies happily swishing around in there.

Late update!

2006-02-17T19:30:00.000+11:00

Yay me! I'm making 2 good babies and right now I'm feeling mighty proud of myself!

Needless to say all went well with our 19 week scan, I was so anxious before I went in I felt physically ill. I kept on waiting for the ....'um Mrs Franks we seem to have a problem.....' and it didn't happen. Like I say after each and every scan, I wish I could harness this feeling for all the time, but hopefully sooner rather than later I will start to relax. The little wrigglers wouldn't keep still, hope this isn't an indicator of 2 hyperactive children! Not that I would care in the least.....

Only 3 more shifts of work and I'm outta there- and it can't happen fast enough!

Things with dh are a little tense at the moment, I'm not sure if it's just me being highly strung or him being a selfish git, but more than likely a pinch of both. I get annoyed that no matter how many times I 'express' myself to him, he just doesn't get it. Not sure how to overcome this one but I'm getting a little frustrated.

Stay tuned for my next post, all about how wonderful my friend Jen is!!!

Bad blogger....

2006-02-13T18:27:00.000+11:00

I don't suppose I can call myself a true legitimate blogger, considering I haven't gone near it for over 3 weeks. I'm a fraud. It's not that I don't care or don't have things I want to talk about on my blog, I am basically just a lazy cow and tend to go for long periods where I avoid all things remotely computerish..... I don't answer emails (who am I kidding? I don't READ emails); and I basically just can't be arsed even looking at it. So I'm sorry loyal reader! But I'm here and I will promise to make a more concentrated effort to post regularly even if they are short and sweet!!

So where was I? Life is good. I am good. I hate that when I feel good I tend to think thoughts that will make me feel bad- so I am determined to maintain the status quo that I have going for the time being. My babies are growing beautifully, they are behaving themselves and they are making me very, very large. Last night my husband called me a toffee apple, I laughed but then the reality hit me. I am a toffee apple. Big round tummy, stick like legs. Hmmm. Wednesday is our 19 week morphology scan, I am determined not to stress about it and go with the flow. I suppose I am kind of assuming that everything is ok as we have had fortnightly scans to date, and hopefully they will let me maintain the arrangement we have!

On other news, my sister is coming over for a fortnight at the end of the month, and to say I am excited is an understatement. She had a baby early December and I'm hanging out to meet my new nephew and to renew my relationship with my sister. Life is good.

How much can one person cry??

2006-01-20T22:02:00.000+11:00

Well I have to ask the question- just how many tears do we have stored up?

Is it like a rainwater tank? Will they eventually run out?

OK, I'm not a cryer. Never have been. I cry if I see an animal hurt or abused. But I don't cry for much else, but when I cry I CRY.... AND CRY.... AND CRY....... until it hurts and my eyes close and snot runs down my face and I hiccup and can't breathe.

That's what happened tonight.

I think in some kind of way I was trying to punish myself and/or dh- maybe I was angling for a fight but I honestly wasn't aware of it. It started when he was telling me about some family drama or other, and I kind of just snapped. OK so maybe I came across as a little harsh, but I didn't mean it to be that way. It is honestly my opinion and maybe dh just didn't want to hear it.... Anyhoo- he made me feel like a right bitch and I ended up not liking myself very much at all.

And the floodgates opened.

I cried.....

and I cried....

and I cried.....

You see, today I am 15 weeks 2 days pregnant, and last time I was 15 weeks 2 days pregnant my waters broke and 3 days later I lost my little girls. So I think I was on some kind of countdown to tonight to see what would happen. I don't know. But it's a bit of a theory. And all these other weird emotions started that until now I had sort of held back with a big stick and a flaming torch, like admitting just how terrified I am, and that despite being a big strong Amazon woman I am actually a simpering little weed that is not strong at all. But unfortunately didn't really get it; a SNAG he is not. He wants some kind of written instruction on what I want him to do, and the honest truth is that I really don't know...... it must be frustrating for him but I kind of want him to intuitively know what I want and make it all better.

Better go now- I have red stinging eyes and I can hardly keep them open....

Sigh of relief

2006-01-19T10:02:00.000+11:00

Just got back from my scan- everything is perfect! I wish I could harness this feeling and have it all the time, I feel secure and happy in the knowledge that my 2 babies are healthy and happy and doing the things they are meant to do! Only 2 weeks until my next scan, but in that time I know I will work my way into yet another frenzy. It was really important to me to have the scan this week as I'm so close to the time I lost the girls, tomorrow would be the equivalent to when my waters broke, and Monday to when I actually lost them. But my cervix looks fine and the babies are big and fat and moving around. It was interesting talking to my lovely sonographer, Maree, who really pointed out to me that had I not lost the girls we would be all excited and happy because this is a textbook pregnancy. That's even despite the old blood loss, which sounds like it's really really common.

I have just realised that I am totally self-obsessed. Who is this person?

Work shmerk....

2006-01-18T20:51:00.000+11:00

Ok so I survived a 5 hour shift, so I really can't complain.... but I found myself running to the 2nd floor toilets every hour or so to see if I had any more loss (been losing bits of brown old blood for a couple of weeks now)- and I think I'm basically a basket case now- it's official.

So all the pros/cons of work/no work are constantly running around in my head- and the only conclusion I can come to is that it's all psychological. When I'm in the cocoon of my home I feel embraced and safe, out in the big bad world I'm a bit scared that something can happen to me. What I'm not sure- maybe I need hypnosis or something? Off to the docs in the morning for my fortnightly scan, will have a chat with them and see what they think.

I can't imagine not working, I would no doubt be bored as batshit- and of course we need the $. *sigh* I wish there was an easy answer to this one.....

Hmmmm work.....

2006-01-18T07:45:00.000+11:00

Just a vent as I head off to work today, to be honest I really can't be bothered dealing with people- I find that I don't want anyone to ask me about my pregnancy or how I am, it really irritates me for some reason! That is bad I know because they only ever ask after me out of concern and kindness and I am just an ungrateful cow... :-) Anyway, only 5 weeks of work to go! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy................

No going back...

2006-01-17T17:39:00.000+11:00

Ok, well now I've actually CREATED my blog I suppose I had better learn how to USE my blog..... My good friend Jen told me all about blogs and I've spent the last couple of hours reading others, now I'm hooked. I suppose I need my own space to explore ideas and fears I'm going through, although right now there is that much going on in my head that I'm not sure if there's enough space on the world wide web to contain it all.....

For some background info:

After having both of my fallopian tubes and my left ovary removed, it was only ever going to be ivf for us. I met the love of my life at 29, married at 31 and at 32 decided that this was it, we were ready to make the lifetime commitment of children. Never in my wildest dreams did I think there would be any other outcome than a healthy pregnancy, healthy child and happy ever after from our first cycle..... Oh how our dreams get shattered..... Cycle 1 yielded 1 egg/1 embryo, pretty good odds at the time I thought, and after 2 weeks of excited anticipation to get the worst period of my life was a shock. Fast forward to cycle 6 (will have to do a cycle chart methinks) and we get the amazing 2 pink lines! I didn't believe it! Spent the first 3 months inspecting the toilet paper but felt fabulous. To find out we were expecting identical twins was the icing on the cake. So when my waters broke at 4 months and 3 days later gave birth to 2 beautiful, but dead, baby girls- knocked the stuffing out of me. The whys? The ranting and raving and hating of everyone. The twisted and bitterness that consumed me. The alienation of my family and friends. I have never known pain such as that and hope I never again will. I miss those beautiful girls wholly and completely...... (thinking I might have to tell their story one day)

Fast forward again, 2 fets' and 2 stims later and a whole world of pain, and once again we get the 2 pink lines. Except this time I am NOT having any fun at all. Physically I'm fine, mentally I'm so scarred that I still hate all pregnant women and can't believe that in a matter of months I will hold 2 healthy babies, as this time I'm carrying non-identical twins. I don't smile with every flutter and movement I feel, I just feel terror when they are still. I can't acknowledge my growing belly as I'm so scared it will stop growing and something will go wrong. Every inane and mindless comment fills me with dread, every time someone asks me how I am I can't help but suspect that they think I will do something wrong to hurt my babies - after all I've done it once before haven't I? I feel that my body let them down....

All I want to do is enjoy this journey and savour every second of it, to be able to talk like a pregnant woman, look at baby things in the shops without being convinced that I will jinx myself, and be able to share it with someone who understands.