Friday, January 20, 2006
How much can one person cry??
Well I have to ask the question- just how many tears do we have stored up?
Is it like a rainwater tank? Will they eventually run out?
OK, I'm not a cryer. Never have been. I cry if I see an animal hurt or abused. But I don't cry for much else, but when I cry I CRY.... AND CRY.... AND CRY....... until it hurts and my eyes close and snot runs down my face and I hiccup and can't breathe.
That's what happened tonight.
I think in some kind of way I was trying to punish myself and/or dh- maybe I was angling for a fight but I honestly wasn't aware of it. It started when he was telling me about some family drama or other, and I kind of just snapped. OK so maybe I came across as a little harsh, but I didn't mean it to be that way. It is honestly my opinion and maybe dh just didn't want to hear it.... Anyhoo- he made me feel like a right bitch and I ended up not liking myself very much at all.
And the floodgates opened.
I cried.....
and I cried....
and I cried.....
You see, today I am 15 weeks 2 days pregnant, and last time I was 15 weeks 2 days pregnant my waters broke and 3 days later I lost my little girls. So I think I was on some kind of countdown to tonight to see what would happen. I don't know. But it's a bit of a theory. And all these other weird emotions started that until now I had sort of held back with a big stick and a flaming torch, like admitting just how terrified I am, and that despite being a big strong Amazon woman I am actually a simpering little weed that is not strong at all. But unfortunately didn't really get it; a SNAG he is not. He wants some kind of written instruction on what I want him to do, and the honest truth is that I really don't know...... it must be frustrating for him but I kind of want him to intuitively know what I want and make it all better.
Better go now- I have red stinging eyes and I can hardly keep them open....
// posted by M @ 10:02 pm 
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Smooches back babe- it's hard to get out what I'm feeling but I have woken up with big puffy goldfish eyes and look pretty special - NOT! Thank God I have friends like you and my new blog!
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