Friday, January 20, 2006
How much can one person cry??
Well I have to ask the question- just how many tears do we have stored up?
Is it like a rainwater tank? Will they eventually run out?
OK, I'm not a cryer. Never have been. I cry if I see an animal hurt or abused. But I don't cry for much else, but when I cry I CRY.... AND CRY.... AND CRY....... until it hurts and my eyes close and snot runs down my face and I hiccup and can't breathe.
That's what happened tonight.
I think in some kind of way I was trying to punish myself and/or dh- maybe I was angling for a fight but I honestly wasn't aware of it. It started when he was telling me about some family drama or other, and I kind of just snapped. OK so maybe I came across as a little harsh, but I didn't mean it to be that way. It is honestly my opinion and maybe dh just didn't want to hear it.... Anyhoo- he made me feel like a right bitch and I ended up not liking myself very much at all.
And the floodgates opened.
I cried.....
and I cried....
and I cried.....
You see, today I am 15 weeks 2 days pregnant, and last time I was 15 weeks 2 days pregnant my waters broke and 3 days later I lost my little girls. So I think I was on some kind of countdown to tonight to see what would happen. I don't know. But it's a bit of a theory. And all these other weird emotions started that until now I had sort of held back with a big stick and a flaming torch, like admitting just how terrified I am, and that despite being a big strong Amazon woman I am actually a simpering little weed that is not strong at all. But unfortunately didn't really get it; a SNAG he is not. He wants some kind of written instruction on what I want him to do, and the honest truth is that I really don't know...... it must be frustrating for him but I kind of want him to intuitively know what I want and make it all better.
Better go now- I have red stinging eyes and I can hardly keep them open....
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Sigh of relief
Just got back from my scan- everything is perfect! I wish I could harness this feeling and have it all the time, I feel secure and happy in the knowledge that my 2 babies are healthy and happy and doing the things they are meant to do! Only 2 weeks until my next scan, but in that time I know I will work my way into yet another frenzy. It was really important to me to have the scan this week as I'm so close to the time I lost the girls, tomorrow would be the equivalent to when my waters broke, and Monday to when I actually lost them. But my cervix looks fine and the babies are big and fat and moving around. It was interesting talking to my lovely sonographer, Maree, who really pointed out to me that had I not lost the girls we would be all excited and happy because this is a textbook pregnancy. That's even despite the old blood loss, which sounds like it's really really common.
I have just realised that I am totally self-obsessed. Who is this person?
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Work shmerk....
Ok so I survived a 5 hour shift, so I really can't complain.... but I found myself running to the 2nd floor toilets every hour or so to see if I had any more loss (been losing bits of brown old blood for a couple of weeks now)- and I think I'm basically a basket case now- it's official.
So all the pros/cons of work/no work are constantly running around in my head- and the only conclusion I can come to is that it's all psychological. When I'm in the cocoon of my home I feel embraced and safe, out in the big bad world I'm a bit scared that something can happen to me. What I'm not sure- maybe I need hypnosis or something? Off to the docs in the morning for my fortnightly scan, will have a chat with them and see what they think.
I can't imagine not working, I would no doubt be bored as batshit- and of course we need the $. *sigh* I wish there was an easy answer to this one.....
Hmmmm work.....
Just a vent as I head off to work today, to be honest I really can't be bothered dealing with people- I find that I don't want anyone to ask me about my pregnancy or how I am, it really irritates me for some reason! That is bad I know because they only ever ask after me out of concern and kindness and I am just an ungrateful cow... :-) Anyway, only 5 weeks of work to go! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy................
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
No going back...
Ok, well now I've actually CREATED my blog I suppose I had better learn how to USE my blog..... My good friend Jen told me all about blogs and I've spent the last couple of hours reading others, now I'm hooked. I suppose I need my own space to explore ideas and fears I'm going through, although right now there is that much going on in my head that I'm not sure if there's enough space on the world wide web to contain it all.....
For some background info:
After having both of my fallopian tubes and my left ovary removed, it was only ever going to be ivf for us. I met the love of my life at 29, married at 31 and at 32 decided that this was it, we were ready to make the lifetime commitment of children. Never in my wildest dreams did I think there would be any other outcome than a healthy pregnancy, healthy child and happy ever after from our first cycle..... Oh how our dreams get shattered..... Cycle 1 yielded 1 egg/1 embryo, pretty good odds at the time I thought, and after 2 weeks of excited anticipation to get the worst period of my life was a shock. Fast forward to cycle 6 (will have to do a cycle chart methinks) and we get the amazing 2 pink lines! I didn't believe it! Spent the first 3 months inspecting the toilet paper but felt fabulous. To find out we were expecting identical twins was the icing on the cake. So when my waters broke at 4 months and 3 days later gave birth to 2 beautiful, but dead, baby girls- knocked the stuffing out of me. The whys? The ranting and raving and hating of everyone. The twisted and bitterness that consumed me. The alienation of my family and friends. I have never known pain such as that and hope I never again will. I miss those beautiful girls wholly and completely...... (thinking I might have to tell their story one day)
Fast forward again, 2 fets' and 2 stims later and a whole world of pain, and once again we get the 2 pink lines. Except this time I am NOT having any fun at all. Physically I'm fine, mentally I'm so scarred that I still hate all pregnant women and can't believe that in a matter of months I will hold 2 healthy babies, as this time I'm carrying non-identical twins. I don't smile with every flutter and movement I feel, I just feel terror when they are still. I can't acknowledge my growing belly as I'm so scared it will stop growing and something will go wrong. Every inane and mindless comment fills me with dread, every time someone asks me how I am I can't help but suspect that they think I will do something wrong to hurt my babies - after all I've done it once before haven't I? I feel that my body let them down....
All I want to do is enjoy this journey and savour every second of it, to be able to talk like a pregnant woman, look at baby things in the shops without being convinced that I will jinx myself, and be able to share it with someone who understands.
