Tuesday, January 17, 2006
No going back...
Ok, well now I've actually CREATED my blog I suppose I had better learn how to USE my blog..... My good friend Jen told me all about blogs and I've spent the last couple of hours reading others, now I'm hooked. I suppose I need my own space to explore ideas and fears I'm going through, although right now there is that much going on in my head that I'm not sure if there's enough space on the world wide web to contain it all.....
For some background info:
After having both of my fallopian tubes and my left ovary removed, it was only ever going to be ivf for us. I met the love of my life at 29, married at 31 and at 32 decided that this was it, we were ready to make the lifetime commitment of children. Never in my wildest dreams did I think there would be any other outcome than a healthy pregnancy, healthy child and happy ever after from our first cycle..... Oh how our dreams get shattered..... Cycle 1 yielded 1 egg/1 embryo, pretty good odds at the time I thought, and after 2 weeks of excited anticipation to get the worst period of my life was a shock. Fast forward to cycle 6 (will have to do a cycle chart methinks) and we get the amazing 2 pink lines! I didn't believe it! Spent the first 3 months inspecting the toilet paper but felt fabulous. To find out we were expecting identical twins was the icing on the cake. So when my waters broke at 4 months and 3 days later gave birth to 2 beautiful, but dead, baby girls- knocked the stuffing out of me. The whys? The ranting and raving and hating of everyone. The twisted and bitterness that consumed me. The alienation of my family and friends. I have never known pain such as that and hope I never again will. I miss those beautiful girls wholly and completely...... (thinking I might have to tell their story one day)
Fast forward again, 2 fets' and 2 stims later and a whole world of pain, and once again we get the 2 pink lines. Except this time I am NOT having any fun at all. Physically I'm fine, mentally I'm so scarred that I still hate all pregnant women and can't believe that in a matter of months I will hold 2 healthy babies, as this time I'm carrying non-identical twins. I don't smile with every flutter and movement I feel, I just feel terror when they are still. I can't acknowledge my growing belly as I'm so scared it will stop growing and something will go wrong. Every inane and mindless comment fills me with dread, every time someone asks me how I am I can't help but suspect that they think I will do something wrong to hurt my babies - after all I've done it once before haven't I? I feel that my body let them down....
All I want to do is enjoy this journey and savour every second of it, to be able to talk like a pregnant woman, look at baby things in the shops without being convinced that I will jinx myself, and be able to share it with someone who understands.
// posted by M @ 5:39 pm 
