Sunday, March 26, 2006
Lost
Well as the title implies I feel a little bit lost. Kind of lost in myself, kind of lost in general. Life swirls on around me, people going to work, eating, drinking, driving, talking to people, just living; and I feel a bit like a ghost amongst them. I mean I plaster a smile on my face and nod and say yes I'm fine, I'm really ok, but it's this facade that I am totally unable to change. If it works for me I suppose that's ok.
My Mum is still staying here with me until Thursday morning, it's lovely to be nurtured and loved and looked after, but if she pokes one more bit of food at me I will have to throw it at her. I'm just not hungry and that's the way it is. Craig and I are going to go away for the weekend in a couple of weeks, yay for that. I want to walk and read and drink wine and just be for a couple of days, I don't expect us to go away and talk about Piper and Laine and Grover and Houdini the whole time- I just want to spend time with him. I've booked a week in Sydney with one of my best friends Pia for the beginning of May, it'll be nice to run away and hide for a bit. I think my whole family wants me to go back to Perth but I'm so not ready to be embraced in the bosom of my large, touchy feely family. I'm not wanting to be touched and don't think I'll want to be for a while. I feel like such a failure, how can I go home to my family and friends without my babies OR being pregnant?
Which brings me to a huge issue I have at the moment; my post-babies body. I have this unlovely pouch of skin on my tummy that hangs down, complete with about half a dozen stretch marks. I hate it. I hate the constant reminder of my babies and that they aren't safe inside me. I would run up and down the street with my flabby belly, droopy boobs and stretch marks hanging out for the world to see if Piper and Laine were safe and well and here with me. I just don't know what to do about it. I'm not one for strenuous activity or anything remotely sweaty, but I'm thinking it's looking like it's the only way it's going to go.
And another lovely job for this week; having to take Piper and Laine's birth details in so that they are registered and issued with birth certificates. It wasn't bad enough I had to spend A WHOLE FUCKING HOUR in Medicare the other day going over and over all their details and our details and fill out a form the size of an Atlas, now I have to go and line up and hand over forms to a smiling berk to register my dead babies' birth. Nice.
// posted by M @ 12:47 pm 
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MA you have so much to process and get thru if the nod and smile is helping for now then I say go with it, there is no correct way to grieve or right time either for that matter so just keep doing what you need to do and all in your own time.
thinking of you kiddo
xox
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thinking of you kiddo
xox
# posted by 
: 8:30 am
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