Sunday, April 30, 2006
Dreams
Lately I've been having some seriously weird dreams & nightmares. Really obscure shit that I have no idea where it comes from. When I was pregnant with the girls I only dreamt about them once, and I dreamt they were girls, and the same with Piper and Laine. It's like on some level I knew what I was having. Last night I dreamt I was pregnant again, and my cervix was opening bit by bit and we couldn't save the baby. I was lying in my bed trying to keep the baby safe, but I knew it was going to die and there was nothing else I could do. That feeling of utter helplessness is nothing I ever want to experience again, I don't know if I can go through pregnancy even once more and live with that daily fear...... If someone could tell me that at the end of the day my baby would be born healthy and safe then I'd do it. I know we'll try again, but mentally I just don't know how I'll cope.
When I was cleaning today I found the diary I was keeping for Piper and Laine. I just glanced through it briefly, but I have to wonder if in my heart I knew that they wouldn't make it. It's full of fears for them and their safety. Maybe on some level my higher self was preparing me for another loss. I wish I'd enjoyed my pregnancy so much more, there are so many ifs and buts going through my head. You know the old saying 'what you fear you create'? Did I do that? Did I cause myself to lose them? Just more ideas for me to explore I suppose.
Heading to Sydney on Tuesday, both with excitement and trepidation. I'm looking forward to just hiding away for a bit, but I know I will miss my boy and my furbaby, Lucy; the little cat that is our substitute child. She knows when I'm sad and will give me a cuddle, or do something stupid to make me smile again.
On another note, I'm feeling like crap and still bleeding, it's been 7 weeks and 2 days since we lost our babies and my body is still reminding me every single second of what it yet again failed to do.....
When I was cleaning today I found the diary I was keeping for Piper and Laine. I just glanced through it briefly, but I have to wonder if in my heart I knew that they wouldn't make it. It's full of fears for them and their safety. Maybe on some level my higher self was preparing me for another loss. I wish I'd enjoyed my pregnancy so much more, there are so many ifs and buts going through my head. You know the old saying 'what you fear you create'? Did I do that? Did I cause myself to lose them? Just more ideas for me to explore I suppose.
Heading to Sydney on Tuesday, both with excitement and trepidation. I'm looking forward to just hiding away for a bit, but I know I will miss my boy and my furbaby, Lucy; the little cat that is our substitute child. She knows when I'm sad and will give me a cuddle, or do something stupid to make me smile again.
On another note, I'm feeling like crap and still bleeding, it's been 7 weeks and 2 days since we lost our babies and my body is still reminding me every single second of what it yet again failed to do.....
// posted by M @ 3:08 pm 
Comments:
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If i could tell you it will be all ok, I would. But I can't so I'll just say, have a wonderful trip away and enjoy hiding out. Craig n Lucy will be just fine they'll miss you like crazy but they'll be fine.
Have fun swanning sweetling
Have fun swanning sweetling
# posted by 
: 4:18 pm
: 4:18 pm
Sweetheart I wish I could see into the future and tell you what I could see for both of us. All your dreams are normal its a way of your mind processing things, as I too remember all the crappy dreams I had before we had to go in and deliver Chloe. Sweety just go with everything and you can join me lying on my head in the corner for 8 months lol.
Enjoy your time away, I know its going to be sooooooo good for you and I think something you really do need for you piece of mind.
Love ya Lots
xxx
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Enjoy your time away, I know its going to be sooooooo good for you and I think something you really do need for you piece of mind.
Love ya Lots
xxx
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