Sunday, April 23, 2006
Fit not Fat
I think that part of my self loathing/self esteem issues over the last few years has had a lot to do with my body. I've always been a 'big' person, being very tall and 'big boned', but since starting the journey of ivf I have steadily put on more and more weight. This weight has almost become my 'excuse', a lame attempt at justifying why I'm the way I am. Especially now I think that I have lost 4 babies, I feel more and more like my body as a mother has let them down, that I couldn't nurture them the way I should have and given myself even more of an excuse to hate myself. I look at my body in the mirror, the changed shape of my breasts, the saggy belly resplendent with stretch marks, and I can punish myself over and over with the images of a body ravaged by pregnancy but not able to nurture its' babies.
No more.
I really want to like myself. I want to like Meri-ann. I want to see her as a mother who has had 4 babies and loved them as best she could for them, for whatever reason; but that they only knew her love. I don't want any more excuses.
So this is my commitment to myself.
No dieting or crap like that, I'm just going to learn to like and respect myself. I want to see my body as my friend and treat it with respect, no more using it as an excuse. I want to lose some weight and gain some fitness, and hopefully in the process gain some self respect. I'm going to make an appointment to see my naturopath this week and get her to help me get on track, and keep on walking with my ipod on and losing myself in my daydreams. I'm going to think about what I eat and what I choose to put in my body, I actually don't eat that badly but I don't eat regularly and I don't always eat very well. I want to feel sexually attractive to my husband, feel more like a woman again. I'm going to stop obsessing with the fact that I'm 35 and feeling ancient, old and past my use by date, and concentrate on becoming a Mum again.
I'm going to read this post often to remind myself of what my goals are.
// posted by M @ 10:50 am 
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so happy for you lovely, there's not a lot to say you've said it all so I'll just type out.... what a great post!!! viva la MA!!
# posted by 
: 3:07 pm
: 3:07 pm
I'm twenty seven and feel ancient too...I've learned that feeling comes from being tired...emotionally and physically.
Good for you for wanting to feel better about yourself. Wanting to feel better is half the battle...just remember that at the end of your life (not too be too morbid) it won't matter what you look like...it will only matter that you are happy :-)
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Good for you for wanting to feel better about yourself. Wanting to feel better is half the battle...just remember that at the end of your life (not too be too morbid) it won't matter what you look like...it will only matter that you are happy :-)
# posted by : 7:34 am
: 7:34 am << Home
