Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Ouch
I did it. I cried. Not for long mind you, but it just kind of snuck up on me from the most unexpected conversation, and it hurt. My God it hurt.
We spent the long Easter weekend at my in laws place, which is a long way from where we live, and did all the usual family Easter things. Ate lots, drank lots, ate more and kind of just hung around. My bil's kids were there, cute kids and we get on so well, but they are constant reminders of what we have lost. His little girl did my hair, I kept thinking that should be MY KID, they had a fight about toys, I thought that should be MY KIDS, and I realised that my children would never know their cousins. Ouch. It just felt wrong, Craig and I should have our own kids in that kind of family setting and tell them off and play cars or hairdressers or whatever with them, and I realised with such a jolt that it was an incomplete picture. We are so happy and we love each other so much but we aren't complete. There is such a gaping hole....
Fast forward to the drive home, (very looooong drive) and Craig and I were just talking crap and driving along. He was fantasising about what he would do if he won Lotto, which is buy lots of old cars and crap and become a hermit and fix things! He would be in his element with lots of old junk around the place. Then he asked me what I would do if I won Lotto. That's easy. I would buy a nice house on a piece of land not too far from town but in a rural setting, have a verandah the whole way around the house, have a couple of dogs and cats- and a fantastic cubby for my kids. Oh that's right. Kids died. And then I cried. At first it just slipped out of the edges of my eyes, shocking me at its' very existence. Then my chest heaved and I hiccupped. And I cried harder. Oh how it hurt. It was like I had been king hit in the chest with a piece of 4x2. Craig just kept his hand on my leg (and drove) and I cried and cried, the tears all fell off me and wet my jumper. I miss them. I miss the dreams and hopes I had for them. Ouch.
Off to see my ob today and work out what is going on with my body. I feel like hell. Everything hurts. Still bleeding. Over it now....
// posted by M @ 9:19 am 
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Oh sweetling, I know you told me all this on the phone but reading your words, I don't know what to say or even if there are words to use to make any of this shit easier to bear. I'm so very sorry your babes are no longer with you. I know it hurts so bloody much but it is good to cry and release some internal pressure. As always I'm about if you want to chat, thinking of you both.
Good luck with the OB today I hope he has some answers for you.
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Good luck with the OB today I hope he has some answers for you.
# posted by 
: 4:12 pm
: 4:12 pm << Home
