Monday, April 03, 2006
Still lost
Well I still feel lost, I haven't posted anything for a while because I feel like I have nothing new to say. It's Monday morning now and a whole week stretches out in front of me, just staring me down daring me to get to the end of it. This weekend was strange, I just floated around and didn't know what to do with myself. On Saturday I was hanging out my washing when this huge wave of resentment swelled up into my chest; This wasn't MEANT to be my fucking life; it was MEANT to be different; I was MEANT to be different; everything SHOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. As quick as it swelled up it went away again- I think I'm just too exhausted to allow myself to feel anything. I think I want someone to tell me what to do and how I should be feeling. I do have things I need to do but to be honest I have no urge to do them, lots of work for Cherish needs to be done and I WANT to do it, it's just that everytime I think about doing it it reminds me of why Cherish exists- and that hurts. There is a meeting on tomorrow night and I'm still in 2 minds about whether I'll go or not, somehow I don't think I will, I just don't feel ready yet.
I also have to make some decisions about work- I kind of do want to go back but I also kind of don't. I'm hoping I can just do 3 or so shifts a week for a while until I decide what I want to do. What I really want to do is be pregnant and on maternity leave and being happy and fat, but oh of course as usual that has been fucked up for me- whoops Meri-ann has had a glimpse of happiness so quick we'd better rip it away from her and of course let's make it hurt REALLLLLY bad while we're at it. Ah there that's better.......
OK resentful moment over for the time being- we go to see WonderDoc on Friday so already have a list of things I want to ask him, I can't believe we're staring down the barrel of more fucking IVF. Just the thought of it makes my stomach churn. I just want to get it over with and get pregnant and live through that hell and have a baby and start living again. The hardest part of that is knowing that never again can we have Piper or Laine or Grover or Houdini, this time we'll be trying for our 5th child, wow that hurts just to type it. I had 4 perfect children and don't even get the joy of being a Mum to one of them....
// posted by M @ 8:32 am 
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I am so very sorry for your losses. You've been through way more than any person should. I don't know how it would be possible not to feel lost. My thoughts are with you. Best of luck with your appt on Friday.
# posted by 
: 6:56 am
: 6:56 am
is it friday yet?
hoping you and C are having some "good" together time and did you know target now has duckling socks? yes indeedy they do
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hoping you and C are having some "good" together time and did you know target now has duckling socks? yes indeedy they do
# posted by : 11:25 am
: 11:25 am << Home
