Monday, April 10, 2006
Strong
I don't want to be strong any more. So many people tell me that I am the strongest and bravest person they know, blah blah blah, but the fact is all 4 of my children are dead and I'm still here and sometimes I just don't want to be. I want to hide. I want to cut off all contact with the world. I'm sick of being the strong, brave one. I just want to be a Mum. That's it.
Craig and I went away for the weekend and it was just lovely. Lots of walking, driving and looking around, red wine and companionable silences. I love them. We didn't even talk about Piper and Laine, I still just can't do it. Too hard. Sometimes it's easier to plaster a fake face on than deal with reality. Fake face is getting me through for a while. I'm scared of the next steps and the firsts, first time a friend tells me she's pregnant, due date of my babies, seeing people I haven't seen yet that maybe don't even know we lost them- all those things terrify me.
We had an appointment with WonderDoc on Friday, all I can say is we are so damn lucky to have him. I asked him straight: 'Do you think we are mad to keep on trying?' - His reply: 'I think you are mad if you don't.' I could have kissed him (I didn't)- but just having that innate confidence from him helps me deal with all this shite. He's determined to only transfer 1 embryo as the twin risk for me is obviously wayyyy too high, I still wanted to transfer 2 but we'll do it his way for the first couple. I have no qualms that this journey is going to take a looooong time, and I don't expect to get pregnant on the first transfer we have. But I have to do it. So the plan is to stick with the formula that worked for us, that is an antagonist cycle; and all being well we'll get started at the end of June/beginning of July. So much of it relies on my cycle and I'm still bleeding now 31 days after giving birth, but in saying that I'm starting to get some ovarian pain so maybe it's starting to wake up.
// posted by M @ 9:15 am 
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I'm glad you saw WonderDoc, I'm only sorry I can't make this any easier for you, do what it takes to get you thru this in one piece, strong is only an illusion but you know what tho, a lot of people will say it because they don't know what else to say.
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