Sunday, March 26, 2006
Lost
Well as the title implies I feel a little bit lost. Kind of lost in myself, kind of lost in general. Life swirls on around me, people going to work, eating, drinking, driving, talking to people, just living; and I feel a bit like a ghost amongst them. I mean I plaster a smile on my face and nod and say yes I'm fine, I'm really ok, but it's this facade that I am totally unable to change. If it works for me I suppose that's ok.
My Mum is still staying here with me until Thursday morning, it's lovely to be nurtured and loved and looked after, but if she pokes one more bit of food at me I will have to throw it at her. I'm just not hungry and that's the way it is. Craig and I are going to go away for the weekend in a couple of weeks, yay for that. I want to walk and read and drink wine and just be for a couple of days, I don't expect us to go away and talk about Piper and Laine and Grover and Houdini the whole time- I just want to spend time with him. I've booked a week in Sydney with one of my best friends Pia for the beginning of May, it'll be nice to run away and hide for a bit. I think my whole family wants me to go back to Perth but I'm so not ready to be embraced in the bosom of my large, touchy feely family. I'm not wanting to be touched and don't think I'll want to be for a while. I feel like such a failure, how can I go home to my family and friends without my babies OR being pregnant?
Which brings me to a huge issue I have at the moment; my post-babies body. I have this unlovely pouch of skin on my tummy that hangs down, complete with about half a dozen stretch marks. I hate it. I hate the constant reminder of my babies and that they aren't safe inside me. I would run up and down the street with my flabby belly, droopy boobs and stretch marks hanging out for the world to see if Piper and Laine were safe and well and here with me. I just don't know what to do about it. I'm not one for strenuous activity or anything remotely sweaty, but I'm thinking it's looking like it's the only way it's going to go.
And another lovely job for this week; having to take Piper and Laine's birth details in so that they are registered and issued with birth certificates. It wasn't bad enough I had to spend A WHOLE FUCKING HOUR in Medicare the other day going over and over all their details and our details and fill out a form the size of an Atlas, now I have to go and line up and hand over forms to a smiling berk to register my dead babies' birth. Nice.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Lovely Jen
I just have to say a quick thank you to my lovely friend Jen (visit her at Womb With a View)- who not only does lovely things to make me smile like send me letters and movies-but has helped me sort my blog out a bit! She has managed to make my comments open to everyone (I didn't even know they weren't!), put up some links to other blogs and generally made it look a lot nicer. Thank you gorjwa.....
As for me, I'm definitely still on auto-pilot and the people around me are scared I'm going to explode. While the numbness gets me through I will go with it, if I think of Piper and Laine I hurt too much and I don't want to hurt. My Mum is still staying with me but has made the decision to go home next Thursday, I think she didn't want to go because she's so scared I'm going to meltdown, but if I do I do, if I don't well then I suppose I don't. Everyone tells me that sooner or later I have to cry and allow myself to feel the pain and the hurt, but I just can't and I don't want to.
My wonderful IVF WonderDoc rang me last night, I am honestly so lucky to have such wonderful health professionals around me. My ob and the staff at her rooms, my gp and my ivf clinic- they all feel more like friends than people I pay to look after me. We will go and see WonderDoc in a few weeks just to regroup and work out a plan of attack, I think that if I have a focus on something else I can shelve my grief a bit longer; and again if that's how I cope then that's how I'll do it. I want to do a stim cycle sooner rather than later, I know that anyone reading this and what we've gone through will think us mad, but I figure that ivf and pregnancy are just so shitty that I just want to get it over and done with, if that makes sense?
Monday, March 20, 2006
Kindness
I need to thank so many people for their support, love, thoughtfulness and kindness- it's truly at times like these that we take comfort and solace in others. Even my few blog commenters, your thoughts are so appreciated and I feel that I don't walk alone. I wish I had it in me to show my appreciation to my friends and family and people that care, but I feel like a block of wood, I just don't have it in me.
Yesterday we scattered Piper and Laine's ashes at our special beach. It's called Hawley Beach near Devonport, and where Craig proposed to me just over 5 years ago. Last year we scattered our beautiful daughters' ashes there, yesterday Piper and Laine joined their big sisters in the ocean, the beautiful ocean that connects all land and all people. My heart broke even more, it feels so delicate, like I can feel every beat. Hopefully one day I will be whole again, I just wish I knew the why's of all this, and what the future holds for my lovely husband and I. I know I am blessed and should sit back and give thanks for all that I do have, but I can't because I don't have my children still growing inside me where they belong, safe until they were ready to live their lives. I see myself in the reflections of glass and don't recognise myself, the grey sunken eyes and lack of my gorgeous big belly just don't resonate with me anymore. A stranger looks back.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I'm broken
I think I'm breaking, I can't believe that emotional pain can hurt so physically as well.
It still doesn't feel real. I can't believe Piper and Laine are gone.
Yesterday we had the funeral service for our babies, it was just so beautiful and perfect it makes me cry just to think about it. I'm on auto-pilot, kind of numb until I realise that the throbbing pain is inside of me. How do I fix it?
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Broken hearts
My babies died on Friday night 10th March.
Piper Nicole was born at 7.27pm and lived for about 20 minutes.
Laine Allan was born at 9.47pm and lived for about the same amount of time.
Two more perfect babies have never been born to this world.
Piper Nicole was born at 7.27pm and lived for about 20 minutes.
Laine Allan was born at 9.47pm and lived for about the same amount of time.
Two more perfect babies have never been born to this world.
