Monday, February 27, 2006
Patience is a virtue.
Have I ever told you just how much I hate waiting????
I must be the most impatient person on the planet, and even after all these years of if and ivf and wait after wait after wait, I still hate waiting so very very much. Sometimes I think that the universe is playing a big trick on me just so that I will learn myself a lesson; that is learn to be patient and gracious and virtuous.
But I'm not.
I fucking HATE waiting..... I feel sometimes that my life is on hold because I'm waiting, and in turn I'm probably not enjoying the NOW of my life. I got sick of waiting for cycle after cycle, waiting to see if we got any eggs, if they fertilised, if they survived, the dreaded 2ww; still I did not learn my lesson.
Now I'm waiting to feel lots of movement from these babies, it's driving me insane. To the point where I rang my midwife today to tell her I'm not feeling enough movement. I must be such a pain in the arse to her. But all is normal, yada yada yada, placentas at the front, yada yada yada, 2 babies not a lot of room; yada yada yada; every baby and pregnancy is different. I suppose that her reassurances did placate me, but often all I feel is the bubbles and flutters and I want to be KICKED! I want some serious action in there!!
Apart from that I seem to be setting myself little milestones. Waiting for 12 weeks, waiting for 16 weeks, waiting for 19 weeks, waiting for them to be born so I can poke and squeeze and touch them and convince myself that they are really real.
I waited and waited to finish work, now that I've finished I'm waiting for my sister to arrive (tomorrow night) no doubt I'll get back on the roller coaster and set myself another milestone to wait for.......
I must be the most impatient person on the planet, and even after all these years of if and ivf and wait after wait after wait, I still hate waiting so very very much. Sometimes I think that the universe is playing a big trick on me just so that I will learn myself a lesson; that is learn to be patient and gracious and virtuous.
But I'm not.
I fucking HATE waiting..... I feel sometimes that my life is on hold because I'm waiting, and in turn I'm probably not enjoying the NOW of my life. I got sick of waiting for cycle after cycle, waiting to see if we got any eggs, if they fertilised, if they survived, the dreaded 2ww; still I did not learn my lesson.
Now I'm waiting to feel lots of movement from these babies, it's driving me insane. To the point where I rang my midwife today to tell her I'm not feeling enough movement. I must be such a pain in the arse to her. But all is normal, yada yada yada, placentas at the front, yada yada yada, 2 babies not a lot of room; yada yada yada; every baby and pregnancy is different. I suppose that her reassurances did placate me, but often all I feel is the bubbles and flutters and I want to be KICKED! I want some serious action in there!!
Apart from that I seem to be setting myself little milestones. Waiting for 12 weeks, waiting for 16 weeks, waiting for 19 weeks, waiting for them to be born so I can poke and squeeze and touch them and convince myself that they are really real.
I waited and waited to finish work, now that I've finished I'm waiting for my sister to arrive (tomorrow night) no doubt I'll get back on the roller coaster and set myself another milestone to wait for.......
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
I hate people
I have come to the realisation today that I just hate people in general. It's amazing just how pissed off I became in Coles trying to deal with the drainers that kept blocking the aisles and going really slowly and just farting around in general. I hate them. And I have to say, the main perpetrators are old people. Don't get me wrong, I like old people (well the ones that don't smell like wee), but why is it that they think they own the world????? I think just grocery shopping in general makes me angry because I hate it so very, very much; but aisle blockers are just the icing on the cake. Also, I'm just not a very nice person.
Off I waddled this morning to my very first pre-natal water aerobics class, am very graceful and sylph-like in water (not). Kind of embarrassing really that most of the people there are due before me and have these gorgeous little bumps and I have a great heaving mass of wobbly jelly protruding in front of me. Oh well. I love my jelly. Juniors have been very quiet the last few days, so of course that makes me anxious. My God I wish there was something that didn't make me anxious, or else a perspex window into my ute so I can see my babies happily swishing around in there.
Off I waddled this morning to my very first pre-natal water aerobics class, am very graceful and sylph-like in water (not). Kind of embarrassing really that most of the people there are due before me and have these gorgeous little bumps and I have a great heaving mass of wobbly jelly protruding in front of me. Oh well. I love my jelly. Juniors have been very quiet the last few days, so of course that makes me anxious. My God I wish there was something that didn't make me anxious, or else a perspex window into my ute so I can see my babies happily swishing around in there.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Late update!
Yay me! I'm making 2 good babies and right now I'm feeling mighty proud of myself!
Needless to say all went well with our 19 week scan, I was so anxious before I went in I felt physically ill. I kept on waiting for the ....'um Mrs Franks we seem to have a problem.....' and it didn't happen. Like I say after each and every scan, I wish I could harness this feeling for all the time, but hopefully sooner rather than later I will start to relax. The little wrigglers wouldn't keep still, hope this isn't an indicator of 2 hyperactive children! Not that I would care in the least.....
Only 3 more shifts of work and I'm outta there- and it can't happen fast enough!
Things with dh are a little tense at the moment, I'm not sure if it's just me being highly strung or him being a selfish git, but more than likely a pinch of both. I get annoyed that no matter how many times I 'express' myself to him, he just doesn't get it. Not sure how to overcome this one but I'm getting a little frustrated.
Stay tuned for my next post, all about how wonderful my friend Jen is!!!
Monday, February 13, 2006
Bad blogger....
I don't suppose I can call myself a true legitimate blogger, considering I haven't gone near it for over 3 weeks. I'm a fraud. It's not that I don't care or don't have things I want to talk about on my blog, I am basically just a lazy cow and tend to go for long periods where I avoid all things remotely computerish..... I don't answer emails (who am I kidding? I don't READ emails); and I basically just can't be arsed even looking at it. So I'm sorry loyal reader! But I'm here and I will promise to make a more concentrated effort to post regularly even if they are short and sweet!!
So where was I? Life is good. I am good. I hate that when I feel good I tend to think thoughts that will make me feel bad- so I am determined to maintain the status quo that I have going for the time being. My babies are growing beautifully, they are behaving themselves and they are making me very, very large. Last night my husband called me a toffee apple, I laughed but then the reality hit me. I am a toffee apple. Big round tummy, stick like legs. Hmmm. Wednesday is our 19 week morphology scan, I am determined not to stress about it and go with the flow. I suppose I am kind of assuming that everything is ok as we have had fortnightly scans to date, and hopefully they will let me maintain the arrangement we have!
On other news, my sister is coming over for a fortnight at the end of the month, and to say I am excited is an understatement. She had a baby early December and I'm hanging out to meet my new nephew and to renew my relationship with my sister. Life is good.
