Monday, May 22, 2006


Hello loyal blog-readers!!

After much farting around I have moved my blog, you will now find me at:

Impatient Patient

Please visit me there, look forward to seeing you soon!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Buggery Blog

Help! My blog is driving me frigging insane...... I'm not the most technically au fait person on the planet, but I can work my way around a puter most of the time; but this is just getting too hard! I've been manically reading blogs lately, just can't get enough, and I've decided I want some of those groovy funky things that everyone else has! OK, so if anyone out there actually reads my blog can you help me to:
a) Get a site counter thingy so that I can see if anyone actually visits my blog?
b) Tell me how to format my posts so that the spaces between the paragraphs actually appear? (For some inexplicable reason I type out my posts resplendant with fabulous spaces between paragraphs then when I publish it takes my spaces out AND I HATE NO SPACES!!)
c) Show me how to get the funky dude weather thingy?
d) Ditto funky mood thingo?
OK, so now some stuff about me. I've had a crap week in general, culminating in a huge fight with my boy this morning that ended with me crying and snorting and generally losing it. Not pretty I can assure you.
I had a follow up appointment with my ob on Monday, my uterus is 'bulky' which she is not surprised about considering I've had 2 twin pregnancies- but she's not concerned that it will hinder me getting pregnant again. I also have a cyst on my myometrium, again something that doesn't concern her and won't interfere with getting pregnant again. Anyone know anything about these things? What causes them? Lining only 2mm and tiny follicle, so expect period anytime over the next couple of months but not in a hurry. In saying that my right (and only!) ovary is giving me some shit, I did a ovulation pee test but it was negative. Probably it's just waking up and wants to piss me off a bit.
Ho hum. What else can I tell you? Nothing really. Went to a biker bar for some drinks last night with friends and thoroughly enjoyed myself, it really made me realise that we now live a completely insulated and reclusive life. Back in WA we were so very social, not so anymore. I want to be social again. I want to have a life.
That's about it, will start working through some of the posts I am composing in my head soon.....

Thursday, May 18, 2006


All day I haven't been able to stop thinking of my friend. I feel so edgy, like I want to punch something or smash something. Like a cat on a hot tin roof. I just don't know what to do with myself. I farted around with my blog a bit as you can see, but it's not helping.
It's not fair. It hurts so much.

Not fair

My heart breaks yet again.

It's amazing how we form these tight friendships through our struggles with IF, so when one of our 'sisters' wins the fight and gets pregnant we celebrate as if it was our own. I have belonged to a TTC internet group for a few years now, and over those years I've formed some enduring friendships with some incredible women; friends that I will have for life.
One of my friends has lost her precious boy. She and I were due in the same week, when we lost Piper and Laine she offered us all her love and support; she even rang me when I was in hospital (before I lost them) to give me a pep talk and friendship. Over the last 18 months as we lost our 4 babies she has been one of the few not scared to ask me about them or how I'm feeling or just to let me ramble. She is a remarkable lady.
I feel so helpless. I want to do something. I want to hold her and cry with her and bring her baby back. I feel her pain and wish I could just take it away from her so she doesn't have to endure it.
It's just not fair.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Essence of Motherhood

Ok, so today is Mothers' Day. Pretty much a shitful day for the millions of people in the world who struggle with infertility, or have lost a child at any stage. So what is the essence of motherhood? Do you have to have a living child complete with chrysanthemums and all to make us a mum? I'm not so sure. I have 4 beautiful children that aren't with us, but I don't feel less of a mother if that makes any sense. (probably not) My wonderful boy gave me a prezzie this morning from my furbaby Lucy and our 4 babies, that made me feel so very special. I am a mum. I am a mum that is hurting so very very much. I am a mum that longs to feel the softness of my babies' skin, the sweetness of their breath, the love that so many feel every single day. Wow it hurts just to think about it.
To all of you out there that have lost babies, or struggle with infertility, I wish you a most precious Mothers Day, for the essence of motherhood is in our hearts and always will be.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Back home

Well I'm back home after a cathartic and relaxing 10 days in Sydney. It was so nice just to be in such a comfortable environment with great friends and grasp the idea of the process of 'healing'. I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I've decided that you don't heal as such, but you adapt yourself to live with the grief; that it becomes a part of you. That's how I see it anyway. My children and my grief are now essential parts of my being, I am forever changed by my love and losses and I will just have to learn to live my life in this 'altered' state, if that makes sense. At times when I was away the grief hit me like a physical punch, an unexpected assault on my heart. Those are the worst times. When it hurts physically. Little reminders that insinuate themselves in day to day life, and you just can't ignore them. My wonderful friend now has an 8 month old girl whom I absolutely adore, and seeing the interraction between parents and child makes me realise just how much I NEED this to be a part of my life. For a while there I had actually thought about not trying anymore, about thinking how much I would break if I lost another child. But now I can't think about not trying again. DH and I should be parents, we have so much love to give to our child.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Well I'm about to board a plane soon to go and swan off around Sydney with my good friend- I'm looking forward to it now but I've been in 2 minds, I will miss Craig and Lucy something awful but I'm hoping I'll come back feeling more like the old 'me' - whatever that is!
I will miss my bloggy friends as well, so see you all in 9 days! :-)

Sunday, April 30, 2006


Lately I've been having some seriously weird dreams & nightmares. Really obscure shit that I have no idea where it comes from. When I was pregnant with the girls I only dreamt about them once, and I dreamt they were girls, and the same with Piper and Laine. It's like on some level I knew what I was having. Last night I dreamt I was pregnant again, and my cervix was opening bit by bit and we couldn't save the baby. I was lying in my bed trying to keep the baby safe, but I knew it was going to die and there was nothing else I could do. That feeling of utter helplessness is nothing I ever want to experience again, I don't know if I can go through pregnancy even once more and live with that daily fear...... If someone could tell me that at the end of the day my baby would be born healthy and safe then I'd do it. I know we'll try again, but mentally I just don't know how I'll cope.

When I was cleaning today I found the diary I was keeping for Piper and Laine. I just glanced through it briefly, but I have to wonder if in my heart I knew that they wouldn't make it. It's full of fears for them and their safety. Maybe on some level my higher self was preparing me for another loss. I wish I'd enjoyed my pregnancy so much more, there are so many ifs and buts going through my head. You know the old saying 'what you fear you create'? Did I do that? Did I cause myself to lose them? Just more ideas for me to explore I suppose.

Heading to Sydney on Tuesday, both with excitement and trepidation. I'm looking forward to just hiding away for a bit, but I know I will miss my boy and my furbaby, Lucy; the little cat that is our substitute child. She knows when I'm sad and will give me a cuddle, or do something stupid to make me smile again.

On another note, I'm feeling like crap and still bleeding, it's been 7 weeks and 2 days since we lost our babies and my body is still reminding me every single second of what it yet again failed to do.....

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