Sunday, April 30, 2006
Dreams
Lately I've been having some seriously weird dreams & nightmares. Really obscure shit that I have no idea where it comes from. When I was pregnant with the girls I only dreamt about them once, and I dreamt they were girls, and the same with Piper and Laine. It's like on some level I knew what I was having. Last night I dreamt I was pregnant again, and my cervix was opening bit by bit and we couldn't save the baby. I was lying in my bed trying to keep the baby safe, but I knew it was going to die and there was nothing else I could do. That feeling of utter helplessness is nothing I ever want to experience again, I don't know if I can go through pregnancy even once more and live with that daily fear...... If someone could tell me that at the end of the day my baby would be born healthy and safe then I'd do it. I know we'll try again, but mentally I just don't know how I'll cope.
When I was cleaning today I found the diary I was keeping for Piper and Laine. I just glanced through it briefly, but I have to wonder if in my heart I knew that they wouldn't make it. It's full of fears for them and their safety. Maybe on some level my higher self was preparing me for another loss. I wish I'd enjoyed my pregnancy so much more, there are so many ifs and buts going through my head. You know the old saying 'what you fear you create'? Did I do that? Did I cause myself to lose them? Just more ideas for me to explore I suppose.
Heading to Sydney on Tuesday, both with excitement and trepidation. I'm looking forward to just hiding away for a bit, but I know I will miss my boy and my furbaby, Lucy; the little cat that is our substitute child. She knows when I'm sad and will give me a cuddle, or do something stupid to make me smile again.
On another note, I'm feeling like crap and still bleeding, it's been 7 weeks and 2 days since we lost our babies and my body is still reminding me every single second of what it yet again failed to do.....
When I was cleaning today I found the diary I was keeping for Piper and Laine. I just glanced through it briefly, but I have to wonder if in my heart I knew that they wouldn't make it. It's full of fears for them and their safety. Maybe on some level my higher self was preparing me for another loss. I wish I'd enjoyed my pregnancy so much more, there are so many ifs and buts going through my head. You know the old saying 'what you fear you create'? Did I do that? Did I cause myself to lose them? Just more ideas for me to explore I suppose.
Heading to Sydney on Tuesday, both with excitement and trepidation. I'm looking forward to just hiding away for a bit, but I know I will miss my boy and my furbaby, Lucy; the little cat that is our substitute child. She knows when I'm sad and will give me a cuddle, or do something stupid to make me smile again.
On another note, I'm feeling like crap and still bleeding, it's been 7 weeks and 2 days since we lost our babies and my body is still reminding me every single second of what it yet again failed to do.....
Thursday, April 27, 2006
My Boy
Ok, as promised here is my post about my boy. I have the best dh in the world, I honestly do, but sometimes he frustrates the complete fuck out of me.
I have been blogging now for a few months, and I'd never told dh that I was doing it. So one day last week I just felt that I should, so I told him about it and actually invited him to read it. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but somehow I think I expected more than I got. I thought maybe he'd get an insight as to how I'm feeling and all that, because although we are really close we don't 'talk' alot about 'stuff' ie; Piper and Laine, Grover and Houdini, feelings and all that stuff. Not that we don't want to know how each other is feeling, it's just that often we don't feel the need to talk about it all the time. I have never been so comfortable just being silent with anyone in my life as I do with my boy, we can just sit there and not speak and feel totally comfortable. He is home to me, if that makes sense. But my heart is breaking in tiny little pieces each and every day, and I'm not sure how to communicate it to him. He is the ultimate 'fixer', my boy can fix everything and anything. He has renovated our whole house on his own, he can build cars, he is the MacGyver of the world..... but I can't imagine how hard it would be for him not to be able to fix me, or our babies. What does make me get up out of bed every day, get showered and live life, is his unwavering belief that one day we will have our own child living in this world with us. To him there are no if's or but's, it just will be. And for that I am eternally grateful. If it weren't for his strong, silent presence in my life I don't think I'd be here. We are polar opposites in every way; he is quiet, shy, introverted and yet the strongest person I have ever met; I am out there, outgoing, comfortable with people and portray a strong confident woman, yet I'm not half as strong as he is.
After seeing him hold our beautiful babies that resembled him so very much, I know that one day I need to give him his own child. He is a father, and should be a father. In a way I feel like I have let him down in losing our babies, although I know he thinks that is a crock of shit. But sometimes it's how I feel. I thank the universe each and every day for giving me someone like him, for deeming me worthy of such a beautiful person although it obviously doesn't think I'm worthy of having my own children. So many couples lose sight of each other and end up breaking up after the loss of a child, let alone 4, yet our children have given us the greatest gift they possibly could, the gift of each other, love for each other and appreciation of each other. They have truly made us closer. At night just feeling the warmth of him next to me gives me more comfort than I could ever imagine.
Well there you go, I didn't realise that this post would be such a gushing one about my dh. I haven't even told you why he pisses me off! Maybe I'll just take the warm and fuzzies for today and leave that post for another day..... (and no I didn't write this post thinking he'd read it, because he probably won't!!)
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Hermit Crab
I have just realised that I have become a fully fledged hermit crab. Yesterday I went for a big long walk then never left the house, today I only left the house at about 5 because I couldn't procrastinate any longer about going to get some groceries. Hmmm... I wonder how long this will last for? I suppose I HAVE to go out next week seeing as I'm off to Sydney, but I think if it wasn't already booked I probably wouldn't be going. Seeing all the happy families and babies is hurting me a bit, it never used to bother me that much but right now it stings.
I have loads of ideas for future posts rattling around in my head, so to remind myself I want to post about:
My history (ivf and why ivf)
Houdini & Grover (pregnancy and birth story)
Piper & Laine (birth story)
Fears - (Future, pregnancy, incompetent cervix)
DH (why he is the best man on the planet and why he frustrates me!)
What now? Plans for ivf
How's that for a start? I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog apart from my faithful couple- but I think in a way it's cathartic for me to have it as an outlet. I sometimes find myself composing posts in my head without actually being conscious of it.
As an aside, tonight I put my big moose slippers on that my best friend in the whole wide world, Angi, gave me a couple of years ago. (She now lives in Canada) I got such a pang of missing her when I put them on, how I wish I had the $$ to go and spend just a short time with her. I miss her so much, she understand me like no one else on this planet.
I have loads of ideas for future posts rattling around in my head, so to remind myself I want to post about:
My history (ivf and why ivf)
Houdini & Grover (pregnancy and birth story)
Piper & Laine (birth story)
Fears - (Future, pregnancy, incompetent cervix)
DH (why he is the best man on the planet and why he frustrates me!)
What now? Plans for ivf
How's that for a start? I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog apart from my faithful couple- but I think in a way it's cathartic for me to have it as an outlet. I sometimes find myself composing posts in my head without actually being conscious of it.
As an aside, tonight I put my big moose slippers on that my best friend in the whole wide world, Angi, gave me a couple of years ago. (She now lives in Canada) I got such a pang of missing her when I put them on, how I wish I had the $$ to go and spend just a short time with her. I miss her so much, she understand me like no one else on this planet.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Special Thoughts
Today I woke up thinking of my lovely friend *C* and her hubby. One year ago today their tiny miracle *L* passed away at only 2 days of age. Saturday she should have been baking him a cake for his birthday, but instead they were mourning him. It's just not fair.
There are so many milestones to grief, and one never knows which way it'll go. At the moment I'm counting every Friday (Friday being when I lost Piper and Laine), I did that on Tuesdays (which is when I lost the girls) for months and months, but I realise that I can't do it for both forever. Then there are the milestones, anniversaries of birth/loss, due dates, Christmas, Easter, etc, you get the picture.
It's just not fair.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Fit not Fat
I think that part of my self loathing/self esteem issues over the last few years has had a lot to do with my body. I've always been a 'big' person, being very tall and 'big boned', but since starting the journey of ivf I have steadily put on more and more weight. This weight has almost become my 'excuse', a lame attempt at justifying why I'm the way I am. Especially now I think that I have lost 4 babies, I feel more and more like my body as a mother has let them down, that I couldn't nurture them the way I should have and given myself even more of an excuse to hate myself. I look at my body in the mirror, the changed shape of my breasts, the saggy belly resplendent with stretch marks, and I can punish myself over and over with the images of a body ravaged by pregnancy but not able to nurture its' babies.
No more.
I really want to like myself. I want to like Meri-ann. I want to see her as a mother who has had 4 babies and loved them as best she could for them, for whatever reason; but that they only knew her love. I don't want any more excuses.
So this is my commitment to myself.
No dieting or crap like that, I'm just going to learn to like and respect myself. I want to see my body as my friend and treat it with respect, no more using it as an excuse. I want to lose some weight and gain some fitness, and hopefully in the process gain some self respect. I'm going to make an appointment to see my naturopath this week and get her to help me get on track, and keep on walking with my ipod on and losing myself in my daydreams. I'm going to think about what I eat and what I choose to put in my body, I actually don't eat that badly but I don't eat regularly and I don't always eat very well. I want to feel sexually attractive to my husband, feel more like a woman again. I'm going to stop obsessing with the fact that I'm 35 and feeling ancient, old and past my use by date, and concentrate on becoming a Mum again.
I'm going to read this post often to remind myself of what my goals are.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
All over
Well that's it, hopefully the nightmare of the last 6 weeks is finally over. I went into hospital yesterday for a d&c, evidently there was a fair bit of 'product' in there that she has got out, now all should go back to normal. But as we all know the universe hates my guts so expect something else to fuck up shortly..... All I pray now is that all my 'bits' are in working order and ok for ivf, I know now more than ever that I need for us to have our own child, and I'll do my best to make it happen. I need to have that belief that one day we will be parents.
I went for a healing today with a beautiful lady who is an Angel Intuitive, I do go in for a lot of the spiritual side of life despite my husbands' complete lack of belief. I need to know that there is a reason for everything, and that my babies are all together and know of my love for them. Well I walked out of her house with that beautiful glow inside me, the glow of the knowledge that my children are safe and together, and that one day a beautiful spirit will head our way to be our child. I need to hold onto this feeling in my darkest hours when I am full of doubt and fear.
My plan now is to have no plan. I really want to nurture myself and just be me for a while, do what I do (or don't) want to do and help my heart to heal. I am looking forward to going to Sydney in a couple of weeks and just hanging out with my friends and hiding from the world for a little bit longer. I'm not fussed about going back to work, if they ring me for some shifts then I'll do them, but if they don't then that's ok as well. I just want to find Meri-ann again and discover who she is, and embrace her despite all the changes and who she has become.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Universe Hates Me...
Yup, if something is going to stuff up it will stuff up *royally* for me..... Off I went to my doc today and lo and behold there is 'residual material' floating somewhere around my ute (read: placenta or something like that) and I'm off to hospital on Friday for a d&c. I kind of knew that something was amiss as I've been feeling so damn crap and the bleeding I've been having for nearly 6 weeks now isn't normal, so to know I wasn't imagining things is kind of reassuring. Yet I'm so damn pissed off, when will this nightmare end? Isn't it enough that we've been to hell and back, now I've got to go through this as well. I know a d&c is a minor procedure but I just don't want to do it, I want to pretend that everything is normal and life goes on yada yada yada. On the upside, there is a 23mm follicle perched on my ovary all ready to pop, so to ovulate less than 6 weeks after childbirth is indicative that everything in there is ok. My cervix also looked ok, about 4cm long and closed, no sign of major trauma after it ripping through the stitch, but she'll have a better idea when she has a look on Friday.
So I think I'll hibernate for the next couple of days........
Ouch
I did it. I cried. Not for long mind you, but it just kind of snuck up on me from the most unexpected conversation, and it hurt. My God it hurt.
We spent the long Easter weekend at my in laws place, which is a long way from where we live, and did all the usual family Easter things. Ate lots, drank lots, ate more and kind of just hung around. My bil's kids were there, cute kids and we get on so well, but they are constant reminders of what we have lost. His little girl did my hair, I kept thinking that should be MY KID, they had a fight about toys, I thought that should be MY KIDS, and I realised that my children would never know their cousins. Ouch. It just felt wrong, Craig and I should have our own kids in that kind of family setting and tell them off and play cars or hairdressers or whatever with them, and I realised with such a jolt that it was an incomplete picture. We are so happy and we love each other so much but we aren't complete. There is such a gaping hole....
Fast forward to the drive home, (very looooong drive) and Craig and I were just talking crap and driving along. He was fantasising about what he would do if he won Lotto, which is buy lots of old cars and crap and become a hermit and fix things! He would be in his element with lots of old junk around the place. Then he asked me what I would do if I won Lotto. That's easy. I would buy a nice house on a piece of land not too far from town but in a rural setting, have a verandah the whole way around the house, have a couple of dogs and cats- and a fantastic cubby for my kids. Oh that's right. Kids died. And then I cried. At first it just slipped out of the edges of my eyes, shocking me at its' very existence. Then my chest heaved and I hiccupped. And I cried harder. Oh how it hurt. It was like I had been king hit in the chest with a piece of 4x2. Craig just kept his hand on my leg (and drove) and I cried and cried, the tears all fell off me and wet my jumper. I miss them. I miss the dreams and hopes I had for them. Ouch.
Off to see my ob today and work out what is going on with my body. I feel like hell. Everything hurts. Still bleeding. Over it now....
Monday, April 10, 2006
Strong
I don't want to be strong any more. So many people tell me that I am the strongest and bravest person they know, blah blah blah, but the fact is all 4 of my children are dead and I'm still here and sometimes I just don't want to be. I want to hide. I want to cut off all contact with the world. I'm sick of being the strong, brave one. I just want to be a Mum. That's it.
Craig and I went away for the weekend and it was just lovely. Lots of walking, driving and looking around, red wine and companionable silences. I love them. We didn't even talk about Piper and Laine, I still just can't do it. Too hard. Sometimes it's easier to plaster a fake face on than deal with reality. Fake face is getting me through for a while. I'm scared of the next steps and the firsts, first time a friend tells me she's pregnant, due date of my babies, seeing people I haven't seen yet that maybe don't even know we lost them- all those things terrify me.
We had an appointment with WonderDoc on Friday, all I can say is we are so damn lucky to have him. I asked him straight: 'Do you think we are mad to keep on trying?' - His reply: 'I think you are mad if you don't.' I could have kissed him (I didn't)- but just having that innate confidence from him helps me deal with all this shite. He's determined to only transfer 1 embryo as the twin risk for me is obviously wayyyy too high, I still wanted to transfer 2 but we'll do it his way for the first couple. I have no qualms that this journey is going to take a looooong time, and I don't expect to get pregnant on the first transfer we have. But I have to do it. So the plan is to stick with the formula that worked for us, that is an antagonist cycle; and all being well we'll get started at the end of June/beginning of July. So much of it relies on my cycle and I'm still bleeding now 31 days after giving birth, but in saying that I'm starting to get some ovarian pain so maybe it's starting to wake up.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Still lost
Well I still feel lost, I haven't posted anything for a while because I feel like I have nothing new to say. It's Monday morning now and a whole week stretches out in front of me, just staring me down daring me to get to the end of it. This weekend was strange, I just floated around and didn't know what to do with myself. On Saturday I was hanging out my washing when this huge wave of resentment swelled up into my chest; This wasn't MEANT to be my fucking life; it was MEANT to be different; I was MEANT to be different; everything SHOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. As quick as it swelled up it went away again- I think I'm just too exhausted to allow myself to feel anything. I think I want someone to tell me what to do and how I should be feeling. I do have things I need to do but to be honest I have no urge to do them, lots of work for Cherish needs to be done and I WANT to do it, it's just that everytime I think about doing it it reminds me of why Cherish exists- and that hurts. There is a meeting on tomorrow night and I'm still in 2 minds about whether I'll go or not, somehow I don't think I will, I just don't feel ready yet.
I also have to make some decisions about work- I kind of do want to go back but I also kind of don't. I'm hoping I can just do 3 or so shifts a week for a while until I decide what I want to do. What I really want to do is be pregnant and on maternity leave and being happy and fat, but oh of course as usual that has been fucked up for me- whoops Meri-ann has had a glimpse of happiness so quick we'd better rip it away from her and of course let's make it hurt REALLLLLY bad while we're at it. Ah there that's better.......
OK resentful moment over for the time being- we go to see WonderDoc on Friday so already have a list of things I want to ask him, I can't believe we're staring down the barrel of more fucking IVF. Just the thought of it makes my stomach churn. I just want to get it over with and get pregnant and live through that hell and have a baby and start living again. The hardest part of that is knowing that never again can we have Piper or Laine or Grover or Houdini, this time we'll be trying for our 5th child, wow that hurts just to type it. I had 4 perfect children and don't even get the joy of being a Mum to one of them....
